Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Randomize
