I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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