Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
