I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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