you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
