Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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