Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
