i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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