I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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