my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
