I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
