I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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