Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
