i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
