I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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