please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
