I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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