somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
