yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
