I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
