I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
