When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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