there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
