i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
