Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize