so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
