I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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