I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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