I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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