after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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