Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
