Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
