I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
zippers are such a cool invention
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
