that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
