my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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