i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You pole danced in your parka.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
