You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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