so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Randomize
