I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
