i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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