so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
