I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
