Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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