Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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