Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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