Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
