i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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