Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
