babies were throwing up all over the place
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
