dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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