Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
