i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
