The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am one with the molecules
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
