So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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