Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
