Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
