I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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