the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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