Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
