You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
