She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
