I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
