You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
