We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
