Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
