You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
